Something to Celebrate

Here we sit in the infusion center once again. Dan and I were commenting on our way in how this giant hospital that was once full of unknowns and scary thoughts has become a comfortable place for us… or at least we know our way around and appreciate the people that serve us here.

Last week I had a mastectomy on my left side and a removal of 3 lymph nodes. Dan posted a quick update on FB that day saying I was recovering and that the pathology said the lymph nodes were cancer free! The next day the reconstruction surgeon called me personally to tell me they had the same good news for all the breast tissue. He said the oncologist would probably call also so, “act surprised, don’t tell her I called!” It felt really good to know he cared enough and that he was excited to call and give me the good news. The other doc did call the next day and I did act surprised, or at least very happy, which was not acting… I am so happy, SO VERY HAPPY! So grateful… They were all pleasantly surprised with the results, better then they thought it would be. They are calling it a complete pathological reversal which is the best thing we could have hoped for.

There was another lady that lived close by me, just a few years older then me but still considered “young” for cancer that was diagnosed the same month I was. We started Chemotherapy the same week. Her cancer was different from mine but we had similar treatments, similar fears and hopes… We ended up having surgery the same week. She was sent home being told the cancer was far more progressed than they had thought and they needed to rethink the situation before moving forward. She passed away that weekend. I was sent home with good news and well wishes and so much hope for a bright future here. For half a moment I felt what might be called, “survivors remorse.” Why do I get to stay and she had to go…. How do I deserve this miracle and she doesn’t?   And almost as quickly as it came those thoughts were replaced with peace, knowing that God had a plan for both of us, He wanted her home with him at this time and he wants me here with my family. And then I thought, well maybe it’s not a miracle, maybe its just that her cancer was worse. As I was having all these thoughts I was sitting in the room of my two older boys as they were finishing getting ready for bed. I asked, what they had been reading about in there scripture study lately, as I do from time to time, one of them said, I thought these verses were cool, “O all ye that have imagined up unto yourselves a god that can do no miracles, I would ask of you, have all these things passed of which I have spoken? Has the end come yet? Behold I say unto you, Nay; and God has not ceased to be a God a miracles. Behold are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?”

Einstein said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I prefer the latter. Its amazing to think of what has NOT gone wrong for me in all aspects of life… many, many times it could have.

I have a little book called “50 Days of Hope daily inspiration for your journey through cancer” by Lynn Eib. In one section she’s writing about how unfair a cancer diagnosis can feel and how to reconcile ourselves with that cruel reality. She writes, quoting another author, “We tend to think, life should be fair because God is fair. But God is not life. And if I confuse god with the physical reality of life–by expecting constant good health for example–then I set myself up for crashing disappointment….”   I like the way that was stated, Of course my deep belief that God sent us here to earth for learning and growing through these mortal experiences affords me that peace.  The prophet of our church recently said, “The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening -or not happening- in our lives.”

Anyway, I’m going on too long and probably sounding preachy…. Maybe part of this should have been saved for my my journal, but thank you for allowing me to be a bit personal, it sure is therapeutic for me to write all these thoughts out.

I will continue to have infusions till September, probably some radiation, and hormone blocking medicine for 5-10 years….

But for now we celebrate! We are so grateful to God and good doctors, nurses, scientists who do research…… our kids, neighbors, church family, parents and siblings and other friends that have supported us through this. We love  you and our hearts are with you in your own struggles and triumphs…..