Chemotherapy Does Not Sound Fun

This past week has been surreal.

We have been lifted up by the outreach of family, friends and neighbors. We have been contacted by people who we have not seen or spoken to in years, and even strangers who have offered support, and reached out to say something kind and uplifting. We have felt the love. We recognize that having this support system has been a tremendous blessing that we feel very lucky to have right now. Our nurse navigator, (she acts as our go to contact from the hospital) says that she sees roughly 400 patients a year, and can see a big difference between the patients that have support from their families and friends, and those that do not have that support system in place. That has been humbling. I wish anyone who has ever gone through a tragedy could feel the kind of emotional, spiritual and physical relief that we have received from loved ones. It makes us want to do better for others. After we had received a particular monumental act of kindness from our neighbors, Katie said “It’s not fair, why can’t everyone get this kind of help”? I wish they could.

Katie does not use the word overwhelmed that much, she just calls it “whelmed”. We have never experienced something quite like this before.

We are tired.

This has been an exhausting week for Katie both physically and emotionally. It has been tiring for the whole family. She is very strong, but I can see that it has been hard for her to bear, but I can not imagine what it would be like to go through this without the support she has had.

We are exhausted with gratitude.

I never knew that having so many acts of kindness could bring up a constant barrage of emotion that would bring feelings of fatigue. It’s been humbling and it has been changing/teaching us.

Friends have been randomly bringing us needed items. Our church congregation has been flooding our home with supplies and friendly visits. Some of the local members of our church took time out of their Saturday morning and gave our yard a makeover, which provided an opportunity for our family to enjoy a quiet afternoon in our backyard on the last Saturday before school starts again. We appreciated this so much, as our family had big plans these last two weeks to go camping, hiking, swimming and just enjoy being together before life got crazy with school and work again, but all of those plans kinda went away when we heard Katies diagnosis. We were so grateful to have even just an afternoon of normalcy again. Last week my family came by to paint our living room and kitchen. The night before they came, Katie and I were leaving to go to the store to buy the paint when we heard the doorbell ring. When we went to the door, we found a small box with a gift inside and an amount of money that ended up being one dollar over the amount we needed to go purchase the paint. We have also had friends provide letters of comfort, our home has been cleaned, our children have been taken care of, school supplies have been dropped off, a fluffy blanket arrived in the mail, a custom “chemotherapy kit” was presented to Katie, and many needed meals have been given at the perfect time. This relief operation has been a loving testament of what a strong community can do for each other, And we are forever grateful.

We have felt very blessed and privileged our whole married lives. Before this,  we have been in relatively excellent health. We have had many success’s and accomplished a number of life goals both in the home and professionally. We have a firm foundation of faith and we have been blessed with an opportunity to raise amazing healthy children. (Not that we haven’t had our share of bumps in the road). Years ago we were living in Idaho and raising 3 children at the time when Katie approached me and asked if it was time to have another child. I was a little taken back by it, because up to that point I thought that we had already been blessed with a large, healthy, happy family. Taking on the responsibility of more children started to give me a little anxiety. Katie smiled and said something that has stayed with me to this day. She said “Well I have been thinking about it. You have a great job that provides what we need, we have a big beautiful home with space to grow, we are healthy, I have had very healthy pregnancies and labors. We are solid in our faith and if our Heavenly Father wanted to send more children to this Earth… Don’t we have a wonderful home that he could send them to? The only reason I can think to not have any more children right now, is for a selfish reason.” That stung me.

Now I want to clarify. That statement was for us. She was absolutely right for our situation. Those that are reading this, need not take that as a personal rebuke or that I am saying your situation needs to match ours. I am only sharing this personal experience to illustrate that we had been blessed and that we had been put in a position to serve others. In later years we added on to our family and now proudly raise 6 beautiful children. The point is that we have felt very fortunate to be in a great position to not only serve within our home, but to reach out and serve others.

Those of you that know Katie, know that she loves to serve. Almost to a fault. I have joked about it for years, that she can not say the word “no” to anyone who comes calling to ask for help. Not only does she not say no, she really enjoys it, she enjoys the opportunity to serve. The largest example of service I have seen from her is within the private moments of our home. Her greatest desire is to be the best mom she can possibly be. Somedays I would come home from work and I could tell she had had a particularly “rough” day at home, I once handed her some money and told her just go ahead and take off for a few hours, I’ll take care of things, you go and enjoy yourself and have some alone time. She refused and was almost a little upset, she told me her greatest desire was to be home, not to be anywhere else, she just wanted my help and to stay there together with the kids. That has been her focus as long as I have known her.  (I’m not sure if I remember her ever giving back the money though” 🙂

We have loved the small opportunities to serve in our community, we love teaching that to our children. There has really never been a good excuse for us to not be able to serve. This is one reason why this cancer has been very overwhelming. This past week, a friend of mine called me while we were in the hospital waiting to go in for an echocardiogram. (yet another test) I had earlier reached out to this friend, because I knew he was moving, and offered that I could be available if he needed to lift any heavy items out of his home. He was calling to say that he was back in town and needed help to move a piano, I looked at Katie and she agreed that that would be ok, and I went over to help that night. He later apologized that he had asked me to help with all that was going on in our lives, but felt like he was compelled/prompted to ask me. I was so grateful that he did. I realized that night that for the past two weeks we had been on the receiving end of a flood of kindness and service. It felt good, and really filled a hole inside of me to be able to go and serve someone else again. This has been one of the many great teaching moments I have noticed with all of this. Katie and I are anxious to one day be in a position to give that kind of service freely again, but right now we are being put in to a very eye opening position on the receiving end of service. I have learned a little better of what it means to really serve people. I have become more empathetic to the “needy”. I have also looked back and felt guilt at the times when I did not do more, or when I did something, but did not have a good attitude towards it.

I have also learned that I cannot fix people. I am in the business of fixing people. (Or so I thought) I work as a seminary teacher for high school age kids. I spend the school years trying to teach and testify of the Savior Jesus Christ, and point the kids to Him when they are having hard trials. Many times I have been guilty of trying to solve the students problems for them, by teaching them a scripture, or a quote that would somehow change their whole outlook or behavior. I can’t fix any of it, only He can. I see that better now. I can give encouragement and continue to uplift, but HE is in charge of the “fixing”. So many dear friends and family have offered solutions or fixes to Katie’s cancer. While we love them for opening up and trying to help, we are recognizing that the best fix that they can offer, is just to listen. This cancer was and is out of our control, the only option we have is how we are choosing to react to this situation, and look for the teaching moments that are coming very rapidly.

We are getting infused today with Katies first round of chemotherapy. Following a triple biopsy on her left side that gave her extreme pain and bruising, we confirmed that the cancer has spread to 3 of her lymph nodes. The infusion itself will take roughly 4 hours to complete. A week ago, Katie had a minor surgery that placed a port-a-cath on her right side just below her clavicle. This unfortunately has caused her some pain as she loves to snuggle our children, but sometimes the little hard head of our two year old will frequently snap back onto her chest, it is not fun to watch that happen. Too much pain. This “port” is amazing as it is going to allow ready access to her vena cava (which is a direct artery to her heart) and allow the chemotherapy to be injected quickly, easily and with minimal damage to her veins. It was a strange realization for her to have something “installed” on her, she described it as feeling a little claustrophobic. This minor surgery allows a needle to link up with the port, and then after removing the needle, the port will self seal. She is now a bionic woman, temporarily.

We attended “chemo class” this past week where we learned about chemotherapy and were able to ask questions. The chemotherapy will be infused once every three weeks for 18 weeks total. (6 total injections, for non math majors) Since the reactions and symptoms of chemotherapy are varied and case by case, we have learned that the general expectations will be that she will feel ok for the first couple days following the chemotherapy, and then she will start to feel the effects. The chemotherapy attacks all rapidly dividing cells, which is why it is a perfect offense against cancer cells. However this medicine will also attack other rapidly dividing cells like hair and finger nail growth. Her immune system will be attacked as her white blood cell count will go down, she will feel fatigued, nausea, appetite changes, she will develop mouth sores and is more susceptible to bruising. She will then start to pull out of some of these symptoms, just in time for another round of infusion.

We have never seen any symptoms from this cancer, it is a phantom that we have only seen on high tech imaging. All of the pain or discomfort and inconvenience so far has come from the treatment. In talking with the doctor, Katie asked if we did nothing, what would be the outcome? The answer was that she would more than likely stay alive for 1 to 2 years. We know this is the best course of action that she needs to take right now, the cancer is too aggressive to roll the dice with anything else. But, as we have been saying this whole last week, thanks to wonderful friends, family, community members and medical professionals, I think we have every possible tool that we need to go get this thing and beat it. Thank you everyone for all that you do, all that you have done, and all that you have offered to our very grateful family.